Jen and I met on our college swim team and began hanging out fairly regularly. She was funny, super smart, and always easy going. Though she was surely pretty, with long brown hair and an infectious smile, I never felt compelled to date her. The energy always felt platonic between us. Heck, even in our drunkest moments at parties there were never close calls.
We remained friends for years, meeting for lunch occasionally, joking, and arguing in good faith about politics. We once walked to a protest at the Lincoln memorial and stumbled across some type of affirmative action protest, then spent the rest of our walk debating the good and bad of the policy.
Yet as soon as I began dating a new woman, Olivia, my long-time friendship with Jen suddenly fell into jeopardy.
“I just think it’s weird that the two of you love to pal around like that,” Olivia said on one occasion.
“And is it weird when you hang out with your girlfriends, doing the exact same thing?” I asked.
“That’s different. The whole thing just feels a bit off to me, because this isn’t one of your guy friends,” Olivia,ired back.
There was this constant back and forth, with her trying to pretend she wasn’t being jealous of my female friend — who at this time, was already engaged to another man, who had no problem with us hanging out. Though she avoided saying it explicitly, it was clear that Olivia, couldn’t fathom a pretty girl hanging out with me on a platonic basis.
Sure, there are certainly cultures where such a relationship is unthinkable. I routinely go on walks in a nearby park, and see cookout events with Islamic families and, without fail, all of the men hang out on one side of the grass while the women hang out in another.
These separations have religious underpinnings that can be accounted for and respected. But outside of that, it is strange that opposite sex friendships draw so much suspicion.
So what gives? Why do some people get so tangled up on this? And how do we make it stop?
Exploring the reasons
Dr. Eletra Gilchrist-Petty, of the University of Alabama, led a study on this jealousy with a pool of 346 participants, all of whom had been in heterosexual relationships with a partner who had an opposite sex friend.
Interestingly, they found that engaged people, more than single and married people, looked most negatively upon these opposite sex friendships. The study found that those who were most negative about these friendships were most likely to lash out at partners. The problem is that some people (young adults, especially) keep “back burner relationships”, which is when one person is intentionally keeping opposite sex friends in the picture so that they easily transition into a relationship if they and their partner break up. And when this is a known practice, it is understandable that some partners get spooked.
Another problematic trend emerges when people rate their partner quality by the quality of available alternatives (not everyone does this). People who do this tend to have much more negative perceptions of opposite sex friendships with their partners. They tend to be intensely jealous and may perceive each of these friends as a backburner.
The world becomes a reflection of their own beliefs, which brings to mind an old saying my mother passed along to me, “Usually, the more jealous someone is, the more guilty they are.”
Some of this jealousy can be forgiven. If, for example, your partner knows what your “type” is, and you are suddenly hanging out with an opposite sex person, who is attractive and matches that preference, it might be difficult to explain that friendship. It would also be remiss if we didn’t acknowledge the most common defenses offered in the face of adultery, “She’s just a friend.”
Yet this idea that we can’t have friends of the opposite sex feels a bit limiting and controlling. Is a better path attainable?
Why you shouldn’t worry
What people forget is that when attraction happens between two opposite sex friends, it tends to adversely affect the friendship, and outright ruin it in many cases.
Dr. Colleen C. Malachowski ran a study and found that if the two begin dating, the odds it lasts forever are generally low. When it doesn’t last, it makes the long-term viability of the friendship near extinct. Or, one person will express the attraction, not have it reciprocated, and it undermines the friendship because one person feels rejected and insecure.
Many people already understand this implicitly. Hence, they stay friends.
Personally, and I mean this respectfully, I don’t generally become platonic friends with women that are my romantic type, or that I feel strong attraction towards, as it just makes it a bit weird for me. I’ve had female friends who were unequivocally pretty, but just weren’t the match for me and thus made better friends. I’m sure they’d say the same of me.
The societal problem
The jealousy around opposite sex friends isn’t helped by the endless slew of romantic films that depict friends — who could totally, never, ever, ever be with each other — eventually falling in love.
Even worse, these films often show friends who are already in relationships with someone else, struggling with myriad problems, and eventually falling in love despite those relationships. How can some of us not feel crippling anxiety about these friendships?
I would remind people that these are films. And that out here in the real world, opposite sex friendships are common and transcend our entire lives. It is far too binary of a thought process to always assume an opposite sex friend is out to be with you.
One trick is to role play, imagine you met an opposite sex person, who you weren’t attracted to, who was fun to spend time with, who listened and made you laugh — just as any same-sex friend would. How would you feel if your partner tried to veto this friendship?
Moving forward
I would urge that people keep an open mind on the potential of opposite sex friendships. I’ve learned quite a bit about myself and women, just by spending time around them and hearing their points of view.
And, to the men seeing this, I’d encourage you to respect the friendship and take steps to protect it.
We live in a far more integrated world than prior years, with men and women living together in dormitories, apartments, and working in close confines in offices. Learning to comingle is important.
Part of me dies inside when I go to a lunch room and see everyone self-segregated by gender and ethnicity. There’s so much to be gained by spending time around someone different from yourself, and getting to see their perspective in life.
What I’ve learned is that, despite all the differences that are instilled in us, each person sitting across from you, regardless of race and gender, is just a person with their own dreams and fears. They have the same social anxieties and desire for acceptance. Taking time to learn this can not only help you develop your empathy, but make them feel welcome as well.
And to the person who struggles with this with their partner, I’d remind you that these issues aren’t usually about the opposite-sex friend, but about your perception of the partner being with a perceived alternative. Question that assumption just as scientists do. Pause before acting on jealousy.
Usually, jealousy isn’t a valid, or rational way of viewing the circumstance. Give your partner the freedom to live their life and have friendships, and take the time to get to know this friend as well.
And to the movie makers, perhaps consider making a movie where opposite sex friends are truly just friends, and not destined to be together romantically.