I stood in the mirror, surveying my suit, making sure there were no marks or wrinkles. I practiced my smile and held out my hand to do an air shake with an unseen ghost.
“Hello, I’m Sean, nice to meet you,” I said, with one quick smile.
Then, I immediately scolded myself, “That was way too fake. C’mon, Sean.”
I was preparing for an interview at my dream job. My behavior was admittedly a bit neurotic. But, in my defense, I was young, insecure, and knew how competitive the job market was. These first impressions matter — in jobs, dates, networking, and beyond. What’s often not written about, is the origins of this behavior, and how understanding that history can be used to your advantage.
The biology of first impressions
Tens of thousands of years ago, we were hunter gatherers, roaming wide swathes of land, seeking comfort from the elements, and finding safety in numbers in a harsh world.
It was inevitable that we’d bump into other humans. As with any species, this could be a moment of great opportunity, or danger. Those who improperly defined a threat when it was present, could pay dire consequences. Hence, we’re wired to make quick judgements with new people.
These judgements can come shockingly fast too. In one study, Dr. Janine Willis and Dr. Alexander Todorov showed extremely brief flashes of a person’s face to participants and found we can make a first impression in one tenth of a second that matches visual impressions without any time constraints.
This can be scary to contemplate. Who wants to be judged so quickly and just by their appearance? Unfortunately, this is an evolutionary rollover that isn’t always beneficial in modern society.
Fortunately, it takes longer to form other types of judgements. For example, perceptions of competence take more time. We need to see a person in action, to verify how they actually perform.
This is good news for those who worry about first impressions, as I do. It should remind you have a chance to update people’s perception of you. With time, good performance and behavior, you can prove people wrong if you fumbled out of the gates. There’s an updating process that is continually in action.
It brings to mind my good friend’s parents, who are in their 60s and still as in love as ever. We were at dinner one day, and I asked how they’d met. I expected it to be this cute love story, but his mother said, “Oh, I didn’t like Rick when we first met. I thought he seemed super arrogant.”
She added, “It took some time for me to get to know who he really was.” What’s important to remember is the power of your face in this process — and that some things can’t be controlled initially. People tend to view faces that are novel, but also similar to faces they’ve seen before, as being more trustworthy. This is why it is generally a good thing when someone says, “You remind me of someone I know.”
But it can occasionally be bad if their reference point is an evil -ex or bad boss.
Beyond that, the face you make plays a key role. Research has shown that a face that appears nervous or angry activates a stress response in the amygdala. It signals that something isn’t right about a situation and that a person might be a threat. Remember that this is an automatic reaction, not a decision by the person.
So how do we counter this?
If you are feeling negative emotions, take a breath and focus on softening your expression. Remember your face as the spear tip of that first impression.
And then, stick to the other basics. For example, I spent a good amount of time socializing at formal events with my family when I was young. We often attended military events, as my dad was an officer. Manners were a huge deal. Standing up straight, looking someone in the eyes, smiling, and being polite were all mandatories.
These things can seem like obvious points to make — but are worth iterating as key strategies because they are often forgotten.
Smiling is shown to increase feelings of trust and benevolence in others, but not when it is overdone and comes off as artificial, which may give the impression of an agenda, and untrustworthiness. The face comes first and the wrong face can mislead on who you are. Scowls tend to give the impression of someone being dominant and more aggressive to onlookers. A disgusted face can evoke a competitive response from someone, who may see you as judgmental, and potentially rejecting them from the group.
Stick with a good old fashioned smile. Keep it natural and soft.
The evolutionary underpinnings of good impressions
Remind yourself that you are still genetically similar to the hunter gatherer, who was nervously approaching or approached by a stranger out of the woods. Each of you is progressing and wants to know the other isn’t a threat, and that the other is competent, and trustworthy.
Averting your gaze, shuffling your feet, and seeming uncomfortable doesn’t help with these perceptions even if they aren’t malicious. This part is hard if you are introverted and get social anxiety easily. People with social anxiety have been shown to more frequently display anxious or angry gazes, even if they aren’t intended to be at their audience. Be mindful of this as you enter a room.
With first impressions, confident body language isn’t about conveying that you are hot stuff. It’s about conveying that you are comfortable in the presence of new people, and that you don’t see them as a threat. You are a friend.
For example, in an interview, the key driver of perceptions of trust and competence, are displaying warmth in your initial interaction with someone, which also includes having a friendly tone of voice. Per Professor Beth McCague, of my alma mater at the University of Florida, warmth reduces a person’s uncertainty about you. It signals that you are someone who can help them accomplish goals.
A quick caveat before you go
While the science and experts are consistent and clear that first impressions are driven by our facial expressions, body language, and warmth, I would also remind you that your biological instincts are often quite wrong and can empower other biases.
Per Nobel Prize laureate, Daniel Kahneman, “If a first impression is a mistake, it can take a while to realize this, as your expectations tend to be self-fulfilling. When you expect a certain reaction, you are likely to perceive it even if it isn’t there.”
Years ago, we were in a college classroom and as part of a warmup, the professor called each student up to the front of the class. Then he asked them a question or two about their life, to help the class get to know each other.
I was called up, and the professor took one look at me and said, “What’s your favorite car?”
“I’m not a fan of cars,” I said. And he followed up with a question about how I met my wife.
I know why he asked that initial question. I’m 6’3 and athletic looking. I look like a guy’s guy, who watches football, drinks cheap beer, and works on his car in the garage. Yet I’m really just an oversized nerd. It was a perfect example of how we can falsely judge others with limited information (this happens to me a lot).
So retain a forgiving heart and give people a trial period before you draw your quick judgement, even if you can’t stop them from making quick judgements about you. We aren’t hunter gatherers anymore, but we’re still human. The press of life can easily make us come off poorly in small snippets of time.
Just as you wouldn’t want to be unilaterally judged by your worst moment, we should afford the same respect to others.
In the interim, remember to be warm, smile in a natural way, and have comfortable, confident body language that reassures new people that you aren’t a threat of any kind.