When 8-year-old Violet de Florio glides across the stage during New York City Ballet’s production of The Nutcracker this holiday season, she’ll be dancing alongside some of the top ballerinas in the world — and one of them goes by “Mom.”
De Florio and New York City Ballet principal dancer Ashley Bouder will be one of only a handful of mother-daughter duos in the company’s history to perform together when they take the stage later this season: de Florio as an angel, and Bouder as one of several dancers performing the role of the Sugarplum Fairy. Thanks to her mother, de Florio has grown up around the theater and ballet studios and knows many of the dancers personally — but she’s already been warned to keep it professional.
“I was like, ‘OK, so when you’re going by the Sugarplum Fairy and she looks at you, you can smile really big, but you can’t say ‘hi’ or wink,’” Bouder tells Yahoo Life of helping her daughter prep for Nutcracker.
Trusted news and daily delights, right in your inbox
See for yourself — The Yodel is the go-to source for daily news, entertainment and feel-good stories.
And professionalism is something these tiny dancers need to have in spades. Angels are the youngest members of NYCB’s Nutcracker production, which includes 122 students from the company-affiliated School of American Ballet (with 61 students in each alternating cast). Each student dances in 25 Nutcracker shows between Nov. 29 and Jan. 5, so they’re getting a taste of what the hectic schedule of a full-time dancer looks like.
“It’s very special to have your daughter want to do what you do, and I feel that I’ve been through a lot in the dance world — both very good things and very bad things,” Bouder says. “What I do feel lucky about is being able to be there and guide her and help her.”
Here’s what she’s learned along the way.
Bouder as the Sugarplum Fairy in a previous year’s production of New York City Ballet’s The Nutcracker. This year, Bouder’s 8-year-old daughter, Violet, will be joining her onstage as an angel. (Erin Baiano)
‘She knows what I think and how I’ve been treated’
For some, the life of a ballerina could seem like a little girl’s perfect fairy tale dream job; but for others it probably also conjures images of eating disorders and waifishly skinny subjects of a patriarchal #MeToo system. While things are changing, progress is slow — and 24-year New York City Ballet veteran Bouder is helping her daughter navigate it all.
Bouder’s outspokenness about the pressure to be incredibly thin is a rarity in the ballet world, where dancers are often afraid to be critical of the culture for fear of retribution. She’s also open with her daughter about the body shaming she’s experienced personally — and about the challenges Violet will likely encounter too if she continues on the path toward becoming a professional dancer.
“We don’t really hide things from my daughter,” Bouder says. “So when I’ve gone through times when people have made comments on my weight and when I’ve been outspoken about it, she knows that. She knows what I think and how I’ve been treated and how I’ve navigated those situations — because she’s helped me navigate them too.”
Bouder says de Florio “has a very positive body image for herself” — and even coaches her mom on body confidence. “If she sees me looking in the mirror at myself, she’ll go, ‘Mom, you look great,’” Bouder says.
She acknowledges that while she and her daughter have conversations about body image, “it’s going to get harder and harder as she gets older, if she sticks with ballet.” With the “ballet body” permeating not only the dance world but also pop culture, fashion and even plastic surgery trends, Bouder hopes the industry can start to set a better example for the next generation of dancers like de Florio.
“I hope that the culture of ballet in schools and companies can be less toxic and just healthier — like better nutritional resources, better mental health resources, better physical therapy resources,” Bouder says. “I see a lot of ballet schools really trying to do that, but it takes a lot to turn a culture around.”
Bouder and de Florio onstage before Bouder dances as the Sugarplum Fairy in 2017. (Ashley Bouder)
Bouder, a self-proclaimed feminist, has also made it her mission to change the gender imbalance that’s so ingrained in ballet. Despite being an incredibly feminine art form, the majority of ballet companies are directed by men, and choreographers — the people dictating dancers’ moves — are still disproportionately male.
“I’m hoping that there are more positive female role models for her that she can look up to, because when I grew up, there were very few female leaders,” Bouder says. “I could look up to my favorite ballerinas and say, ‘I want to dance like that’ — but that’s quite different from any kind of leadership role.”
‘I can lead by example — in what I eat and when I go to bed and how I take care of my body’
While Bouder says she’s now officially become a “ballet mom” — busy shuttling her daughter to and from rehearsals and performances — she doesn’t identify as a “stage mom.”
“I don’t really operate that way,” she says. “I’m more like, ‘I’m here when you need me. Do whatever you want that makes you happy.’ So right now it’s dancing, and she loves performing.”
But she does step in when she needs to. After a bullying incident during ballet class — “there was one girl who kept telling her she was too little to be in there and that she didn’t belong in the class” — Bouder spoke with the teacher, who moved de Florio’s spot away from the other student, and the situation was resolved.
Bouder and her daughter at the 2023 New York City Ballet Spring Gala. (Jared Siskin/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images)
The School of American Ballet and its students who participate in The Nutcracker all need to go through audition processes to get accepted to the school and cast in the production. But when your mom is a senior member of the company, it’s bound to get some people’s noses out of joint. Bouder’s advice is to just dance past it.
“There are some girls who think, ‘Wow, that’s so cool your mom is in the company,’ and there are others that don’t feel that way,” Bouder says. “I just try to tell her that if there are people who are not being nice to you, or that you don’t like them or they don’t like you, then just steer clear of those people.”
And de Florio isn’t the only dancer in training; Bouder says that having her daughter has taught her a lot about her own priorities.
“To be a dancer, innately, you have to be a little bit narcissistic,” Bouder says. “You have to have full confidence to be able to walk out there and do crazy-hard things that make you nervous all the time.”
But since becoming a mom, Bouder says her focus has shifted. Motherhood has made her a better friend, kinder to herself — and “a better human being.”
“Everything for me was about those performances and making them as perfect as possible — and now, it’s not as important as my kid anymore. I’m not as important. That career is not as important.”
That’s not to say that ballet doesn’t matter anymore — it is still her job and her passion, after all. But she’s more efficient in her dancing and less bothered when things don’t turn out flawlessly onstage. She’s also more attentive to how she’s modeling a healthy relationship with the art form for her daughter.
Says Bouder: “I can lead by example — in what I eat and when I go to bed and how I take care of my body — because she’s having to do that same thing now too.”